Let me just be real with you a second: I can’t be trusted on social media.

That’s why, years ago, I quit the only social media platform I’ve ever really been on. (It was Facebook, of course: the social media platform for those born way back in the 1900s.)

I watched the “Social Dilemma” sometime in 2021 or so, logged out of Facebook that night, and haven’t been back.

I mean, I was never in the kind of position the “Social Dilemma” warned about. There was never a real danger of my getting radicalized. I have no energy for that.

I am far too old to obsess over my appearance and so wasn’t even particularly tempted to buy the overpriced face creams with ingredients I cannot pronounce, although I probably should be. I’m definitely the target audience.

No, I veer more toward stalker behavior.

Do I really need to know everything about the current love life of a person I was a camp counselor with back in 1998? Is it important for me to see the dinner plate of someone I haven’t seen in person for more than two decades?

Probably not. But when I’m on social media, both of those missions seem imperative.

And it’s not just that. I could catch sight of anybody airing dirty laundry anywhere and want to follow up on it. Who said what to whom? And where can I find the screenshots?

Also, is someone really trying to sell THAT on Facebook marketplace? How are they not embarrassed?

The truth is, I don’t really like the person I become when I am doing these things: judgy, rude, holier than thou. I am a better person when I don’t have the opportunity to snoop.

So I cut myself off. I get more done. And when I’m working on something, I’m actually working on it… not getting distracted every 2.5 seconds.

Overall, it’s the best plan for me and my less-than-focused brain.

However, there are some things I do miss out on.

One of those things is viral cleaning hacks. And viral recipes.

Apparently, almost anything can be viral now. I remember when the only thing that really went viral was the occasional embarrassing interview aired on network news. But I digress.

These days, using vinegar to descale a coffee pot can be considered a viral hack, which is wild because I’m pretty sure I read that tip in a church cookbook back in 2004.

Thankfully, I can catch up on some of those trends by watching YouTube. (Yes, I realize YouTube is a type of social media. But it’s not as dangerous for me because I don’t know these people. I am watching Ladies Who Cook and Moms Who Clean. Very exciting content like that. Not many rabbit holes to fall into.)

One of the trends I found out about recently is this recipe for whole roasted cabbage. It’s supposedly viral, too, but frankly I have my doubts. Viral cleaning hacks are one thing. But viral CABBAGE?

Come on. Viral Cabbage sounds like a band name from 1991.

However, I will say that this is a strategy I plan to keep using. The cook time was long, but the end product was undeniably delicious. Plus, it didn’t make my whole house smell like a fart. I’m calling it a win.

WHOLE BAKED CABBAGE

Ingredients
1 head cabbage
1 stick room-temperature butter
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
1 teaspoon garlic powder
1 teaspoon onion powder
1 teaspoon smoked paprika

Directions
■ Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Wash cabbage and peel off any dodgy looking exterior leaves. Slice off a very thin layer of the stem end, just enough so that the cabbage will sit flat on that end. Place two long sheets of foil in an X shape on a rimmed baking sheet; the foil should be long enough that each sheet can completely wrap the head of cabbage. Using a chef’s knife, cut the cabbage almost in half from the top to bottom, but do not cut all the way through the stem end. Stop cutting about 2 inches from the bottom so the cabbage stays together. Make a second, perpendicular cut the same way to create four wedges connected at the bottom. Add two more cuts between your original cuts to create eight wedges total.
■ Press the stick of butter into the middle of the “bloom,” using your fingers to work it into each wedge a bit. (Don’t work too hard at this; it’s all going to melt anyway.) Sprinkle salt, pepper, garlic, onion, and paprika over the top of and into the middle of the cabbage. Add any other seasonings or seasoning blends you’d like. Wrap cabbage tightly in foil using the top layer of foil. Wrap second sheet of foil over the first sheet, again wrapping the head of cabbage tightly.
■ Place cabbage into oven for about 45 minutes. Carefully unwrap and check to see if the entire cabbage is cooked to your desired tenderness. If not, rewrap and return to oven for another 10-15 minutes. Serve with the melted butter from the bottom of the foil wrap.

Amelia Plair is a mom and high school teacher in Starkville. Email reaches her at [email protected].

Amelia Plair is a Starkville resident who writes occasional food columns.