The Mississippi Legislature reached a key point in its 2015 session on Monday, the deadline for presenting new legislation. This year, 854 pieces of legislation (some of the bills are duplicated in the House and Senate) will now be discussed, deliberated, revised, mutilated, ignored and/or passed into law between now and the end of the session in March.
In this veritable sea of legislation, we find some bills that actually are worthy of consideration and, if passed, might actually move the state forward. Expansion of Medicare, moving the Election Day from Tuesdays to Saturdays, even adoption of year-round Daylight Savings Time, are just a few of the bills that are worthy of full and fair consideration. But rather than talk about those bills, let’s focus on the bills that are actually stupid enough to become law.
For example, HB11 makes it possible one-eyed truck drivers get a commercial drivers license. I think we can all agree this is a problem that has been holding our state back for quite some time.
Unfortunately, the quality of the proposed legislation falls precipitously from there.
It is probably best to simply assume everyone we send to Jackson is an idiot and run the risk of being wrong on rare occasions.
Consider some of the other fine bills:
■ HB134 outlaws the sale candy cigarettes (real cigarettes are OK, though).
■ HB267 instructs locomotive operators to “look out” for people who wander onto the tracks (because, we all know that trains can stop on a dime, right?).
■ HB279 suggests we might finally get around to spelling “marijuana” correctly in our state code. (It is spelled “marihuana” in the state code, which must mean that anyone who has been convicted of a marijuana offense is technically innocent since there is no law governing “marijuana.” Call your lawyer immediately, potheads.).
■ SB2116 says Mississippi does not have to abide by “foreign laws, i.e. “Sharia Law.” Similar bills have been introduced in other Republican-dominated states where no vaccine for paranoia currently exists.
In addition to proposing “The Bible” as the state book (and by “Bible” we mean, specifically Leviticus 20:13) there is also a bill to make Paul Ott’s “I am Mississippi” the state poem, verses so filled with the trite cliches and Pollyannaish drivel that a group of 36 Ole Miss English professors, instructors, staff members and students are asking lawmakers to reject the idea on the basis that the poem “has no literary merit.”
There is also a bill to establish not one, but two, state songs — “Go, Mississippi” and “My Home Mississippi” — on the grounds that they are both equally annoying.
Clearly, Paul Ott’s poem, “I Am Mississippi,” and the songs “Go Mississippi” and “My Home Mississippi” are all we can submit, given the state’s historic lack of any renowned novelists, poets or songwriters.
Each year, there is at least one bill that perfectly captures the spirit of our inbred paranoia. This year, that bill is a measure that prohibits using drones to take photos. This bill is necessary because we are certain that any moment the federal government is going to deploy drones to peek into our windows to find out where we keep the guns the Obama Administration plans to seize any day now. At least, the new law does not interfere with the use of drones by local and state law enforcement, which needs to be able to violate the Fourth Amendment whenever it feels like it.
Meanwhile, our local legislators have not been idle.
Rep. Jeff Smith (R, Columbus) has spent many sleepless nights worrying about how the governor can possibly make ends meet. To alleviate the suffering, he has proposed raising the governor’s pay by 67 percent to $200,000 per year. Smith further believes that the minimum wage of $7.25 is just fine, though, on the strongly held conviction that if you aren’t satisfied with making $290 per week, you should quit your belly-aching, pull up your britches and run for governor. Yes, it is sad to think that there people out there who are just too dang lazy to be governor.
Not to be outdone, Rep. Gary Chism (R, Columbus) has introduced a bill that reduces sales tax on motorcycle purchases from the normal 7 percent to 5 percent based on the widely accepted principle that “motorcycles are cool.”
Finally, Phillip Gandy (R, Theocracyville), has proposed a bill that permits “traditional winter holidays” to be observed on school property. On this point we agree, and look forward to the festive school celebrations of Lohri, a popular Punjabi festival celebrated by people from the Punjab region of South Asia on Jan. 13, Imbolc a Gaelic festival marking the beginning of spring observed widely in Ireland on Feb. 1 and, of course, National Condom Day on Feb. 14. We suspect that Gandy, a Baptist preacher in his other life, will particularly enjoy the pageantry of a whole bunch of third-graders dressed as giant condoms, performing an interpretative dance in the school auditorium.
We note finally, that our newest local legislator, Sen. Chuck Younger (R, Columbus) authored just one bill — a measure that would name a bridge in Lowndes County after his predecessor, the late Terry Brown.
He is easily the front-runner for Legislator of the Year on these grounds alone: He has embarrassed us the least.
Slim Smith is a columnist and feature writer for The Dispatch. His email address is [email protected].
You can help your community
Quality, in-depth journalism is essential to a healthy community. The Dispatch brings you the most complete reporting and insightful commentary in the Golden Triangle, but we need your help to continue our efforts. In the past week, our reporters have posted 36 articles to cdispatch.com. Please consider subscribing to our website for only $2.30 per week to help support local journalism and our community.