Sometimes my children cry.
This doesn’t sit well with me for two reasons: I want my children to be happy, therefore not crying; and I’m the designated “walk it off” parent, therefore not particularly well-equipped for crying.
For example, recently Zayley, 8, started crying because a particular girl at school “said she didn’t want to be my friend anymore.”
My response: “Good. I never liked that kid anyway. Take the win.”
Zayley ran off, not liking my answer.
I’m told I needed to use a little more finesse.
Of course, my angle isn’t to cut them off and be uncaring. It’s more an exercise of using simple speech to show them everything is all right, and the things that bother them are often only as big as they let them be.
I also want to be able to say or do something to help “fix” whatever is bothering them — you know, something profound they will remember when they’re 30 and see fit to teach to their children. Sometimes, to this end, I try to do too much.
The latter most often occurs when either Zayley or Julia, 10, are crying and I ask them “Why?” or “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know,” they sometimes say. Then my brain has a meltdown.
Something must always be wrong if you’re crying, right? Apparently not. And trying to interrogate the reason out of them often ends in my becoming the reason.
My wife, who often glowers at me when I do too much or too little, takes an entirely different tactic. She listens when they want to talk about it and leaves them alone with their thoughts when they don’t. Then, when they’re either done pelting her with that day’s story of woe, or they emerge with slowly drying eyes from their den of despair, she asks, “Do you feel better now, sugar?”
The answer is always yes. And life moves on in its usual hunky-dory fashion.
Then my wife will look at me, smile big and say, “See? Sometimes you just have to let them get it out.”
So, I’m trying to acquire this quality, become this listening ear and lose the burning need to either fix all the children’s ills or show them the things that bother them aren’t so bad after all. But this, just as anything else, is a process, and I have a secret weapon when the crying gets to be too much.
It’s called, “Go see your mother.”
It works every time.
Zack Plair is the managing editor for The Dispatch.
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