“Don’t ask me no questions and I won’t tell you no lies.”
– Lynyrd Skynyrd
It usually just takes a word to trigger my dormant mind. I saw the word “lies” the other day. It floated up from the bottom of my mind somewhere (my mental garbage dump) ‘til it popped into brain headquarters. Big flashing neon sign: L I E S.
Don’t know if I saw a politician critiquing his opponent’s speech, the song “Lies” by the Knickerbockers, or maybe just a car salesman commercial.
Lying is probably the second most universal human activity, practiced at one level or another by every single one of us. Many of us will not own up to that, but that in itself is a lie!
“Do you know how fast you were going?” says the state trooper. And do we answer “Yes, officer”? Yeah, I doubt it.
When I was 13 or so, my big dream was to become a lawyer in the Air Force, a J.A.G. I read everything I could about it, thought about it all the time. I pictured myself raising my fist and demanding justice, like in “A Few Good Men”.
Why not pilot? Well, no one in their right mind would put me in charge of a $50 million dollar aircraft with bombs on it. Plus, I can’t stand the sight of blood. Especially my own.
When I got a bit older and realized what lawyers actually do every day, my bubble burst like Lizzo wolfing down that one last hot dog.
Of course, the hilarious truth is that the venue of the courthouse is Lie City. It’s basically a lie factory.
The people who work there have only two jobs: 1. Find a way to lie without technically lying. A lot of Latin used. 2. Catch the other side in lying. And punish them for their wickedness!
This is a “profession” which is so hypersensitive to untruth, they treat perjury like it’s First Degree Murder and an offense against God himself.
But their main daily function is to find ways for their customer to hide the truth without breaking the law. Usually.
“I can’t seem to recall.”
“Could you rephrase the question?” (So that I have time to come up with a slick answer)
“It depends on what ‘is’ is.”
How can you tell that a lawyer is lying? Their lips are moving.
I know there are purists out there who say that any lying is a terrible sin.
Okay, when your wife asks “Does this dress make me look fat?”
How do you respond? Yeah, I thought so. The proper answer is, “Do I look suicidal?”
One of the many reasons I love my dog so much is that I can lie to her and even if she gets mad, her short term memory is supposed to be about 7 minutes.
“Here, Bella. Oh no, I didn’t break that treat in half! They’re just making them smaller… you know, inflation and all.”
“Hey, let’s go for a ride in the car. We’re going to the ve… uh, I mean the dog park.”
“Calm down… I’ll be home in just a few minutes.”
6 ½ minutes later: Wagging tail.
Safety note: Do not try this with your spouse.
Thom Caraccio ([email protected]) is a retired musician and retired motion picture scenic artist living in West Palm Beach, Florida who hails from Columbus. He graduated from S.D. Lee High in 1968 and still considers Columbus his real hometown.
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