“You can’t tell if someone has a new baby or a new dog when they announce names like Spartacus or Apollo.” – Unknown comedian
Denmark, Hungary, Iceland, Portugal, Morocco, Germany, France, New Zealand, Sweden, Malaysia, and Japan.
What do these countries have in common?
They either ban or restrict what name you can register your child as. No “Moonbeam,” “X” or “Car Parts.”
Before you jump out of your chair screaming, “They can’t tell me what to do!” or “That’s against the First Amendment!,” have no fear. Americans will never allow your right to do stupid things to be infringed on. It’s who we are. Any politician foolish enough to propose a law like that would find himself back home in a 30×30 office chasing ambulances for a paycheck.
In general, you’re kinda stuck with your last name. When I was growing up and in elementary through high school… especially in Mississippi… Italian last names (provided to me by my Yankee born Dad) were few and far between. Everyone was Smith, Jones, O’Brian, etc.
When teachers would call roll, they would massacre my last name. “Carakatoa?” “Carseesee-o?” “Carakookoo?” Many would give up and just ask if Tom was here.
But first names seem wide open for abuse. And celebrities are the worst.
Elon Musk wins the top prize.
Some of his (14!) children are named Techno, Romulus and Lycurgus. One of them is so screwy I can’t accurately type because it requires a non standard keyboard, never mind pronounce it. I will try best as I can.
X AE A-12. Yes, that’s the kid’s name. He (or she?) will crawl under the desk when Mrs. Smith gets to him on the roll call.
Just as damaging to the mental health of children are some of the monikers European-American people glom onto. We of course go heavy on using our favorite celebs and Zen inspired phrases like Dove or Heaven.
As I write, I’m about to incur the wrath of about 1,454,948 mostly white parents, and I beg you to forgive me, but it’s for your own good and that of future parents.
I must know at least thirty plus friends who decided to name their kid DYLAN. This started being a thing in the 80s and 90s and keeps going. I know Bob probably appreciates it and each and every one of them who thought they were being creative and special, but it’s gotten out of hand.
When that teacher gets to them on the list, half the kids will raise their hands.
And of course, there’s also what I call the “soap opera upper crust drama” names: Courtney, Lindsey, Megan, Ashley, Bradley, Sebastian, Zachary, Alistair, etc.
And of course, Tiffany was popular ‘til too many strippers started using it.
Seems like many prospective mothers spent way too much time on the couch eating potato chips and watching “Days of Our Lives.”
That’s all well and good, but it doesn’t up your social status on an employee name tag at 7/11 or Dollar General.
So you thought I was going to leave out any ethnic group? Wrong.
Paequan, Daquan, Jakari, Shawnice, Kwamie, Tameeka, Lakeysha, Kitwanna, Olatunda, Yetunde, Nomalanga, Awushi, LeSheeka, Putanda.
Can’t find an appropriate name to saddle your kid with? Just pick up pen and paper and make one up on the spot. Don’t have to worry about spelling or them being confused with any other child.
Life is hard. Don’t make it harder for your offspring by making them slog through it as Zendayayia Johnson.
Thom Caraccio ([email protected]) is a retired musician and retired motion picture scenic artist living in West Palm Beach, Florida who hails from Columbus. He graduated from S.D. Lee High in 1968 and still considers Columbus his real hometown.
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