Every year, the people we send to the Mississippi legislature file about 3,000 bills during the three-month session that begins in January.

Most of them never come up for vote in either chamber, let alone go through the entire process to become law. Thank God for that.

Among the sea of bills that slip quietly into obscurity are a subset of legislation that captures attention not on merit, but on the profound stupidity or, in the worst cases, malice that bubbles forth from fevered brains of their authors.

In the long and suspect history of the Mississippi Legislature, Senate Bill 2319 stands stupidly apart.

It is a bill so profoundly dumb that you expect it to be written in crayon with all the “Rs” printed backward.

SB-2319, authored by Sen. Bradford Blackmon (D, Canton), is titled “The Contraception Begins at Erection Act.”

It’s an ambiguous title, so a brief description is needed to see what this legislation is driving at.

Under this bill it would be “unlawful for a person to discharge genetic material without the intent to fertilize an embryo.”

If that’s the case, I think a far better title for the bill would be “The Act To Address Suspiciously Long Showers Taken By Teen-Aged Boys.”

Under this legislation, the first offense would result in a $1,000 fine with a $5,000 fine for a second offense and a $10,000 fine for third and subsequent offenses.

The price of poker just went up.

Fortunately, there are exceptions written into the bill. It does not apply to sperm donors or those who are using contraception. If you fall into either category, have at it.

In all other cases, of which there are many, discharging genetic material is prohibited unless you’re planning for a baby.

As you might imagine, this takes an awful lot of folks out of the game, so to speak.

If your female partner has reached menopause or is otherwise unable to bear children, you are in peril. That goes both ways. Have you had a vasectomy or suffer from male infertility? If this bill passes, for the first time in recorded history a guy could be charged with “Assault With a Dead Weapon.”

Shouldn’t couples be charged with conspiracy?

I know one thing for sure: Blue pill sales in Mississippi will go right over the cliff if this becomes law.

Gay sex is banned, obviously, as are other forms of sex as well as self-gratification.

Female sex-workers would be off the hook, which hardly seems fair.

It would be cheaper to have recreational drugs than recreational sex under this law. It takes away the one thing that poor couples do for fun that doesn’t cost anything.

This all seems just a bit harsh to me, so I wondered if Blackmon was using satire to make a point.

I remember years ago when Rep. Steve Holland of Tupelo presented a bill to rename the Gulf of Mexico “the Gulf of America” to call attention to the rash of absurd bills aimed at removing the words “Mexico” and “Mexicans” from official state documents.

Interestingly enough, President Trump has suggested that, too, only he’s stupid enough to be serious, which is a story for another day.

So I was inclined to give Blackmon the benefit of the doubt.

In an interview with a Jackson TV station, Blackmon said almost all laws on contraception and/or abortion address the woman’s conduct. This, he said, highlights that inequity.

But the bill wasn’t intended as satire.

“People can get up in arms and call it absurd but I can’t say that bothers me,” Blackmon said.

Well, It ought to.

Every living human violates this law constantly since “genetic material” includes things every human secretes, including saliva, skin cells and sweat. It expands the meaning of the phrase, “Never let ‘em see you sweat.”

We are all criminals from the first kiss under this ill-conceived legislation, pardon the pun.

Fortunately, there is good news for all you Lotharios out there.

Blackmon is a Democrat and the legislature hasn’t passed a bill authored by a Democrat in a dozen years, although virtue-signaling Republicans might be tempted in this instance.

So just in case, tell grandpa and grandma they better get at it while the gettin’ is good… and free.

Slim Smith is a columnist and feature writer for The Dispatch. His email address is [email protected].

Slim Smith is a columnist and feature writer for The Dispatch. His email address is [email protected].