O come, thou Day-Spring, come and cheer our spirits by Thine advent here: Disperse the gloomy clouds of night, and death’s dark shadows put to flight. O Come, O Come Emmanuel
Grieving is a necessary passage and a difficult transition to finally letting go of sorrow-it is not a permanent rest stop. – Dodinsky, Author of The Garden of Thoughts
The young woman sitting next to me answered her phone. When she put down the phone she was crying. I waited awhile then asked, “Are you okay?” She said she just learned her aunt died. It was the day before Thanksgiving. She spoke a little about her aunt then she was quiet. We waited in silence. When the tears stopped, I said, “I want to warn you. People will say they are sorry your aunt died at Thanksgiving.” My dad died on Christmas Eve. People would say that, and it made me mad, like some other day would be better. She nodded.
Christmas Eve of 1993 Daddy closed his eyes and rested. I sat at his bedside and told God it was okay to take Daddy as if it were up to me. That night Daddy passed away peacefully. Christmas day we were knocked off-balance. I told God it just wouldn’t work; we need daddy back and we need him back now, but it wasn’t to be.
Well-wishers said, “Isn’t it wonderful your daddy is spending Christmas with Jesus.” It was wonderful for Daddy, but it was not wonderful for us. His presents were under the tree. Some said, “It’s terrible your daddy died at Christmas.” I did not take this well. There were times I couldn’t speak at all.
Grief can do terrible things to otherwise nice people. As I’ve gotten older, I do understand loss at Thanksgiving, Christmas, holidays, birthdays are times that should be enjoyed, filled with joy, peace, hope and promise. And now they are not, at least for a while.
Psychology Today posted timely suggestions to help someone in grief. According to Michele DeMarco Ph.D., Rev of Soul Console, research shows love and connectedness are essential for healing in the wake of challenge or loss. Grievers don’t need wishful thinking; they need love and support. Offer your help if needed. Be available for emotionally difficult chores like cleaning out the departed loved one’s possessions. Help plan a memorial service if needed. But don’t hover.
If your friend or family seem to be sad, mad, outraged, or continue to cry let them express their emotions. There’s a saying “You gotta feel to heal.” If that behavior goes on longer than might be healthy and they are down more than they are up, “gently suggest they talk to a professional.”
The late Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy, “It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
This Christmas we will gather and share memories over coffee and cake, tears mingled with laughter, friends will bring sustenance laced with hugs and we will spend the night staring at the moon and the stars, and we will change and we will adjust.
Shannon Bardwell is a writer living quietly in the Prairie. Email reaches her at [email protected].
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Quality, in-depth journalism is essential to a healthy community. The Dispatch brings you the most complete reporting and insightful commentary in the Golden Triangle, but we need your help to continue our efforts. In the past week, our reporters have posted 45 articles to cdispatch.com. Please consider subscribing to our website for only $2.30 per week to help support local journalism and our community.
