Who’s right, who’s wrong? Better yet, who decides the answer to those questions? For many people there is no better feeling than being right after proving another wrong. For some reason, we live for those moments, especially when victory has a definitive answer. We gloat in knowing that our way is correct.

Oddly enough, that boastful feeling of being right is short lived in comparison to the time spent trying to prove it. When we’re on the opposite end of that equation, we waste time salvaging our ego. Typically with a couple of options. Concede the point and learn from it, or plant our stubborn stick in the mud and hold our ground. The former is actually more gratifying if we can just manage to get there through humility and vulnerability.

But what about those arguments that aren’t so defined? The ones with a gray area so large that right and wrong are merely a mirage in the distant landscape of deals?

Well, then we encounter two options once again. One, we can pause and think “why?” Why does this matter to me, and why should it not define me? Or two, we can take to social media spewing and regurgitating selective content while losing our “why” in the process.

In my opinion, the former is the better choice yet again, because once you know why you feel a certain way, you don’t need to explain it. There is no bid for validation from others about your beliefs if you truly believe them. That’s the best part about this crazy life, we owe no one an explanation for how we feel.

The interesting thing about a passionate belief is that there is someone somewhere out there who has the exact opposite belief, and they are equally passionate about theirs. But if those beliefs were proven facts, there would be little room for discussion. That is the inherent difference between beliefs and facts. One is proven and the other is not. Yet we think that by pushing our narrative just a little bit harder than the next person, it will somehow make us right and them wrong. But at what cost?

Everyday I try to remember the “whys” in my life. Why do I work? Why do I take care of myself? Why do I keep going when sometimes I can’t? The answer is right in front of me. People count on me and I count on them. Showing up everyday and knowing why is a debt we owe to ourselves. But if we are not careful, we are all one bad decision away from making a mess for ourselves and others if we lose our way. “To err is human; to forgive, divine.”

So what if we take that quote and adjust it ever so slightly? How about, “To argue is human; to concede, healthy?”

I’ve been married for 16 years now. I think that I can speak for most married couples that arguing is inevitable, but it’s healthy if done right. After all, we wouldn’t argue unless we cared. For me and my wife Shannon, our breakthrough to peace always comes through concession. It’s as painful as a root canal, but equally as effective. After years of forcing our will onto one another, we eventually grew up and learned that life just doesn’t work that way.

So maybe it’s time we all concede the point from both ends. Personally I never thought giving in would look so good, but I can see it now.
Rather than waving our banner and choosing a side, we could step away and admit that the noise is getting us nowhere. There’s absolutely no shame in it. Trust me, I’d rather walk across hot coals barefoot than concede the point to Shannon, but the final outcome is often worth the burn. You see, conceding doesn’t always have to mean that we are giving up or admitting we’re wrong, it just means we hope that our point was heard and admit that our differences are resolute.

I’m positive there is a right way to be wrong and a wrong way to be right. We may never learn the error of our ways, but we can admit when they are no longer working. We could all use a soft landing from our moral high ground. It begins within. The issue, whatever it may be, doesn’t have to upset us, and we don’t have to make it into a thing. Just think how free that could feel. Every day that we wake up we are faced with adversity. In those moments, the responsibility is on ourselves to be better, not bitter.

Life is a mirror, so it’s important to see what is reflecting back at you. If you don’t like what you see, then change yourself and the reflection will do the same.

Clay Bowen is a Columbus native who cooked professionally as a chef in fine dining for 12 years and appeared on the third season of Top Chef. He is also a licensed landscape horticulturist. Email him at [email protected].

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