I was working on two columns at a time, my standard mix of grouchy complaining and flights of nostalgia. Then my brain shut down and told me to write this one.

I have no explanation why the old American West invaded my thoughts and threw me off track. Oh well, go where life takes you.

This article is only for my fellow boys and men who were born (Yes, BORN) from the 1950s through the 1990s. The Old West was our go-to fantasy. Truth be told, there’s still some of that left in us.

Cowboys, gunfighters, Indians…the whole ball of wax. We wanted to BE them. They were heroes!

Sort of the way Millennials and Gen Zs idolize Gender Studies professors and Starbucks “baristas.”

Since I was old enough to read, I have always been obsessed with the history of the West. And I’m hardly the only one.

Piles of books, movies and documentaries about the West have copies stored in my brain. Maybe that’s why there’s no room for important stuff. I am the National Archives of Useless Trivia.

For about the last hundred years or more, our “education” about the Old West has been passed down through movies and TV shows. By guys (yes…GUYS) named Morty or Sol. They closed their garment factories and moved to Los Angeles from Brooklyn. Hey…it’s “WEST” ain’t it?

The only knowledge Morty had of the Old West he got from watching his friend Sol’s last movie. And that’s pretty much zero. I’m surprised that I haven’t yet noticed a scene where Bat Masterson is chomping on a bagel while slugging Kosher whiskey.

It was a perfect match up customer to product. The audiences knew very little about the subject and were in the mood to buy the fables. The guys made big money off our ignorance.

One of the total BS scenarios of the wooly West is the High Noon style gun fight. Two gunfighters square off at 40 or 50 feet. You win if you are the fastest and most accurate. You lose if you ain’t. Simple…eh, Mah-di?

The only problem is, there is nothing in the story that’s even slightly true.

Not even 0.00003%.

First off, being fast didn’t count for much. The pistols of that time were so inaccurate, guys sometimes would miss across a living room, never mind 40-50 feet. And the guns jammed quite a bit or misfired.

Most “gunfight” killings consisted of sneaking up behind your opponent and shooting him. Usually in the head. Preferably at night. Hiding in the bushes.

That’s how Billy the Kid, Jesse James and Wild Bill Hickok all died.

Another is that there is no “white hat” “black hat” in the real story. As Dave Mason once sang, “There ain’t no good guys, there ain’t no bad guys.”

Pretty much all the famous lawmen from the Old West were criminals at one time or another. Sometimes going in and out of legitimacy as needed. Ironically most of them actually did a decent job as cops. A deal’s a deal.

The famous Earp brothers led by Wyatt, ran gambling houses (and some say other kinds of houses) while they were town marshals in various places. They were charged and tried for multiple counts of murder (while wearing badges!) but found not guilty.

John Wesley Harding, a super dangerous outlaw, killed his first of 21 men at age 15. Years later after being in prison for another crime, he got out and became…a LAWYER. (The two jobs have much in common)

And why was that? Because the West was a terribly nasty, hostile and dangerous environment. Way more than you can even imagine. Made North Korea, New York City and Kenya all look like vacation resorts.

The citizens of Dodge City didn’t need 130 pound cops with a degree in Social Work. And politically correct training from HR on how to use the proper pronouns. (So as to not violate the criminal’s civil rights or that kind of stuff.)

They needed big, tough, mean, vicious, hard drinking amoral men who would risk their lives and be willing to kill or beat on bad guys. By the dozen. Without blinking an eye. For pay. The day to day crime rates back then were understandably pretty low. At least compared to nowadays in Chicago.

One totally silly scenario that amuses me is the “dancehall” girls (remember Miss Kitty?) who sauntered around the saloon pushing drinks, singing and entertaining the clientele.

Women were NEVER allowed inside a saloon or gambling hall. Not ever. If you needed to “speak” with them, they could have been found in the “house of ill repute” next door or down the street.

Our interpretation of the guys of that time is way off base. They were farmers, gamblers, outlaws…various types of people. Thing is, “cowboys” were COWBOYS. That’s it. They herded cows…a dirty, hot, minimum wage type job.

Not very well armed, some of them had a gun to shoot snakes or sick horses. Or the occasional unlucky indian.

One last surprise. Very few men wore what we call “cowboy” hats (like Garth Brooks wears indoors. That would have gotten a laugh). The wide brim would have caused the hat to blow off every two minutes riding.

Weird as it seems, most wore bowler hats like Charlie Chaplin.

And so folks, your Old West history class is dismissed for the day.

Thom Caraccio ([email protected]) is a retired musician and retired motion picture scenic artist living in West Palm Beach, Florida who hails from Columbus. He graduated from S.D. Lee High in 1968 and still considers Columbus his real hometown.