Yeah, I’m old. But I have grown to accept it. Fight Daddy Time and you will lose and look silly. And eventually be laughed at.
I look on it as a badge of honor as a survivor. My Grandfather Dewey Salley was considered old when he died in 1951. I’m 23 years older than he was.
Back in 1994, the Rolling Stones announced their “farewell tour.” I remember that everyone I knew was howling with laughter. The band had been together since 1962. At the time it was considered weird. They were old as dirt.
We started a contest to rename the tour for them: “Deafstock,” “The Wheelchair Tour,” and “The Burning Hemorrhoid Festival” were examples.
Now for those of you who don’t have a calendar, we are now in 2024.
And if you don’t have access to a calculator, that “farewell tour” was 30 years ago. That’s not a typo… 30 years!
There are only two left from the original band. Three are dead, and Mick and Keith look like they could go any minute. Jagger looks like he’s already been embalmed… decades ago. He reminds me of those dancing skeletons you buy at the Halloween store.
Last year the Stones announced their 2024 tour was coming. That’s bizarre enough, but I heard no one laugh or criticize it. Nothin’ to see here!
That tour ended back in July, but I managed to find some ticket pricings. The Philadelphia cost was “as low as $150.” For the nosebleed section.
For a $10 bribe to a nurse or aide, I can get you lined up for a “wandering tour” of the Shady Grove Retirement Village. The performers can’t sing, but a quick tap with a stun gun will get you some howling.
This stuff is getting out of hand.
I have a critic (doesn’t everyone?) who claims that I’m a relic and live in the past, but this is even too much for me. Rock stars and movie actors these days make me look like a baby faced teenager.
Why do they do it? It’s not usually money. These people have made hundreds of millions of dollars… is it all gone? You can only inhale so much cocaine and at their ages they can only entertain so many lovers.
My theory is that they are victims of America’s favorite mental disease…Total Lack of Self Awareness. Do any of these folks own a mirror?!
I call these “zombie bands.” This started a while back when it was discovered that if one of the musicians stayed sober early on while the others were living the stoned party life, he or she could hire a lawyer and register the famous name and own it forever.
When the band members started dropping out (or dropping dead), that guy could continue riding the gravy train.
The first time I saw this in action was when we were playing a hotel ballroom in West Palm Beach for an event. It was advertised that the Canadian band The Guess Who was in concert at the city auditorium across town.
When we were on a break a guy came up and told me that they were staying at the hotel. And that they were in the ballroom and asked if they could sit in and play a couple of songs.
“Sure,” I said. “No problem.”
They got up and played “American Woman” and some other song. The drummer looked to be in his 40s heading to 50, and the four other musicians appeared to be about to graduate from high school. Their parents were probably about their age when The Guess Who were first on the radio.
“Guess who” had bought the name? The non-singing band member that no one ever heard of who was playing the drums. And getting full price for tickets.
Up until very recently, Lynyrd Skynyrd had been doing concerts all over for decades. And making lots of money.
Only one slight hitch: All the central members of the band had been literally dead since October 20, 1977. Plane crash. Including the one guy who WAS Lynyrd Skynyrd: singer/songwriter Ronnie Van Zant. A REAL “zombie band.”
The world of rock music is chock full of this kind of thing. But the movie and TV world has just as many or more.
When I was working for Warner Brothers way back when, I happened to be working on a large budget movie starring (now deceased) Sean Connery. He played his usual role as a rough and tumble tough guy. He was 64.
I had just driven in from West Palm Beach to my three month movie crew job in Naples on the West Coast.
Finding my way to the production office to do my union paperwork, I was reaching for the door handle when I sensed someone coming up behind me from the left. Out of habit, I opened the door and stepped aside so the person could get by.
Walking past me was Sean Connery’s grandfather. Or it sure looked like it.
Stooped somewhat and shorter than me (5’11”), he looked frail and tired.
During a later trip to the office (to straighten out my paycheck), I saw a faxed list from Los Angeles detailing the complex health foods that were to be provided to him. He was older than his legal age even and obviously not in good health.
But at the end of the movie he was doing bridge jumping car chases and of course… beat the hail out of the bad guy.
Age is just a number… if someone can make several million dollars off your carcass.
Thom Caraccio ([email protected]) is a retired musician and retired motion picture scenic artist living in West Palm Beach, Florida who hails from Columbus. He graduated from S.D. Lee High in 1968 and still considers Columbus his real hometown.
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