This week, former president Donald J. (as in “Jesus”) Trump announced he is partnering with another patriot who chose not to serve his country in the Vietnam War, Lee Greenwood, to sell a new collector’s edition of the Bible.
In addition to the regular books contained in the Holy Scriptures (including the ever-popular Two Corinthians), the God Bless The USA Bible includes copies of the Declaration of Independence, the U.S. Constitution, The Bill of Rights, the abridged version of The Pledge of Allegiance (which added the words “Under God” in 1954 because of communism) and the lyrics to Greenwood’s 1983 hit of the same name. (Who can forget the stirring line, “I’ll gladly stand up next to you and sing about doing something I sure the hell didn’t do when I actually had the chance.”)
Finally, it features an embossed United States flag on its brown faux-leather cover. (Admit it, you expected it to be a gold cover, didn’t you?)
Yes, The God Bless The USA Bible features all of these wonderful improvements to the Bible.
So what would you expect to pay for such a Bible, friends? Thirty pieces of silver? A golden calf? Your first-born son?
NO! The God Bless The USA Bible can be yours for the incredible low, low price of $59.99 (Order before Rapture! Supplies are limited.)
Greenwood had been shopping this Bible concept since 2021, but publishers wouldn’t touch it with a 10-foot staff. But exactly like the Easter Story we observe this week, it has arisen. Hallelujah!
Surprisingly, some people are criticizing Trump for trying to cash in on the sacred texts. Trump gets an unspecified cut from all sales through a Name, Imagine and Likeness agreement in the contract. Jesus never got an N.I.L. deal. Just sayin…
Critics say using the Bible in this fashion is sacrilegious.
I disagree.
If you watch reliable unbiased news platforms such as Fox News, One America News, NewsMax, StormFront or Russia Today, you know that Trump is the most Christian president in our nation’s history. In fact, many people are saying that when Trump is startled, he often responds by saying, “OH MY ME!”
The way I see it, God should be thrilled to become a part of the Trump brand.
That’s because when you think of all the famous Bible sellers in American folklore, Trump fits right in.
He is every bit as authentic as Manley Pointer in Flannery O’Connors short story “Good Country People,” who was last seen beating his way down the road with poor Hulga’s wooden leg stashed away in his suitcase.
Trump is no less sincere in spreading God’s word as Big Dan Teague in the Coen Brothers, “O Brother Where Art Thou?” One-eye Big Dan exits the film after taking a tree limb to Everett Ulysses McGill and stealing a cardboard box of cash.
Trump is no less pious than Moses Pray in the film “Paper Moon,” who scans the obituaries, then arrives on the widow’s doorstep to explain that her late beloved had ordered an expensive Bible, inscribed with her name, Collect On Delivery.
Who can forget this exchange?
Moses: “I got scruples too, you know. You know what that is? Scruples?”
Addie: “No, I don’t know what it is, but if you got ‘em, it’s a sure bet they belong to somebody else!”
So, let’s put all this petty criticism aside.
If you love America and love God, it is your duty to order your own copy of the God Bless The USA Bible so you don’t wind up in Hell or California.
Slim Smith is a columnist and feature writer for The Dispatch. His email address is [email protected].
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Quality, in-depth journalism is essential to a healthy community. The Dispatch brings you the most complete reporting and insightful commentary in the Golden Triangle, but we need your help to continue our efforts. In the past week, our reporters have posted 34 articles to cdispatch.com. Please consider subscribing to our website for only $2.30 per week to help support local journalism and our community.
