Tuesday has come and gone and with it Valentine’s Day, probably the biggest commercial holiday that isn’t actually a holiday, at least not on the state or federal level. Data from the National Retail Federation shows Americans spend an average of $20 billion each year on Valentine’s Day-related purchases, $6 billion alone on jewelry. That’s a lot of bling.
Some people look at that data as proof that Valentine’s Day is a sham, a scheme retailers use to sell products by exploiting our most intimate relationships.
I certainly don’t hold such a cynical view. A word to the wise: If you believe that, it’s a thought better kept to yourself, painful experience being a powerful lesson on this subject. Buy the flowers. Go along to get along.
For most of us, that’s not the big problem with Valentine’s Day. The tricky part is keeping it fresh. The longer you are in a relationship, the repetitive cycle of flowers, candy, cards and jewelry begins to feel a little perfunctory, like you’re sorta mailing it in.
So folks are always looking for a way to mix it up a bit, bring it to life, make it a surprise.
If that’s your dilemma, the Columbus Police Department has just the idea for you.
On the CPD Facebook page, Chief Joseph Daughtry posted the following “special holiday offer” on Tuesday morning:
Do you have an ex-Valentine and know they have warrants? Give us a call at the Columbus Police Department, with their location for a special holiday offer. This week’s special includes free transportation, a stay in our luxurious accommodation at LCADC, Valentine’s dinner and a special pair of bracelets. All this can be yours for the price of a phone call! Callers can remain anonymous.
Finally, just when we had abandoned hope, the CPD is providing a lively new spin on Valentine’s Day in keeping with the spirit of the occasion. I haven’t seen an outpouring of genuine Valentine’s Day emotion like this since Capone’s crew lined up Bugs’ boys on the wall of that Chicago garage.
I can’t wait to find out what CPD has in store for Mother’s Day: “Did you think I was just going to FORGET that you made me eat those Brussels sprouts? DID YOU, MOM?!”
I don’t know how well this Valentine’s Day sting operation is going to work, but I’d definitely love to be on those ride-alongs.
Somewhere in Columbus there is a woman sitting at home, minding her own business when a knock comes at the door. She answers and sees a man in a cop uniform standing in her doorway.
We know exactly what she’s thinking at that moment:
“Whoa! He got me a stripper for Valentine’s Day? I kinda like it!”
I imagine the exchange:
Cop: “You are under arrest on an outstanding warrant.”
Woman: “Ooooh. That sounds serious! I have been a naughty, naughty girl!”
Cop: “I’m going to need to put down the remote control and…”
Woman: “Is that your police baton or are you just happy to see me?”
Cop: “Please, ma’am, I’m going to need you to comply…”
Woman: “Ohh-wee! hope you brought your handcuffs!”
Cop: “No. You don’t understand. Now, please, just step forward out of the…”
Woman: “Wait, isn’t there supposed to be some music?”
And you think you want to be a cop.
The idea of using subterfuge to catch gullible criminals is hardly a new idea. Police departments have been using these tricks for years to clear warrants. Usually, it’s by informing the suspect that he’s won a fabulous prize – like a large-screen TV, Super Bowl tickets, etc. – and all he has to do is show up at a certain location at a certain hour to claim it. You would be surprised how often this actually works, mainly because – let’s face it – a lot of crooks are criminally stupid.
This Valentine’s Day sting operation is different, though. It doesn’t rely on the greed or stupidity of the culprit, but on the bitter vengefulness of a scorned love interest.
And on Valentine’s Day of all days.
Love hurts.
Slim Smith is a columnist and feature writer for The Dispatch. His email address is [email protected].
Slim Smith is a columnist and feature writer for The Dispatch. His email address is [email protected].
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