I think we’re all a bit unnerved by the frequency of shootings we’ve seen in the Golden Triangle recently. There’s nothing funny about it, certainly, but a couple of shootings a few days apart in Columbus do invite a bit of irreverence that is hard to resist.
In the span of about 50 hours from Friday to Sunday, two people were shot in the butt while driving in Columbus, which is a pretty amazing thing if you ask me. It’s not so much that these unfortunate shooting victims were shot in the butt, but that in both cases the bullets passed through the door panel and struck the victims in the butt while they were seated in their cars. The logistics of that are hard to even imagine: The bullet had to enter the car at just the right trajectory and the seated victim had to turn or lean at just the right angle at the precise moment for the bullet to reach its improbable destination.
It is remarkable that it could happen once. But twice? This arouses my suspicion. We’ve all heard of heat-seeking missiles, but apparently gun manufacturers have developed butt-seeking bullets.
Getting shot in that part of the anatomy probably isn’t all that uncommon. I know if I saw somebody pointing a gun at me, I’d try to make sure that my butt would be the best available target. People get shot all over – arms, legs, feet, hands, etc. – but it never invites much curiosity. We’re more concerned with the detail of the shooting than the specifics, unless it’s fatal shooting. All things considered, if you have to get shot, the butt is probably the best place.
Since getting literally butt-hurt in such a fashion could be becoming a trend, I think it’s a reasonable idea that we agree on the proper terminology to describe the location of this wound.
The Dispatch described the location of the victims wounds as “the buttocks,” mainly because that’s the word used by the Columbus Police Department in its press release. Of course, police also use the term “officer involved shooting,” an understatement if ever there were one.
Sorry, but there has to be a better word, if for no other reason than you can’t say “buttocks” without sounding like Forrest Gump.
“Butt,” which is an abbreviation of “buttocks,” seems acceptable. But butt (I’m not stuttering here) is one of many synonyms to describe the official medical name “gluteus maximus,” so we should weigh all the options before landing on our collective butt.
This discussion brings to mind a story about the third-grade teacher who, on the first day of school, asked her class to share something interesting that happened over the summer break.
Hands shot up and the teacher called on a boy in the back of the class who hardly ever participated in class discussions.
“My cousin got kicked in the ass by a horse,” he said.
Mortified, the teacher quickly corrected him. “No, no, no,” she said. “You say, ‘My cousin got kicked in the rectum,’ to which the boy protested, “Rectum? Hell, it damn near killed him!”
I don’t favor “ass” because in some quarters it’s still considered a “bad word.” It’s also vague because while everybody has an “ass” some of us are “asses.” I favor specificity here.
Miriam-Webster lists no fewer than 35 synonyms for “buttocks,” including rump, rear-end, bottom, behind (pronounced “bee’-hind), fanny, bootie, posterior, tail and backside. There are also words from other languages you hear from time to time. In the UK, a butt is a bum. In Germany, it’s a “heinie.” The Yiddish word “keister” gets some play, too. In France, it’s a “derriere.”
Not to be the ugly American here, but none of the foreign words suit me.
Bum is out, since like “ass” it can either be a body part or a description of a malingerer. I can’t sign off on “derriere,” either. It seems to have a petit connotation and since some people’s “gluteuses” are more “maximus” than others, the term can lack precision.
For some reason, the sound of the word “heinie” makes me snicker. “Keister” evokes memories of the movie, “Home Alone.”
“Fanny” is out because I can’t imagine males having fannies.
Throw out “tail,” too, since they refer to a part humans don’t even have.
I can’t get behind “behind” for some reason. You say “bootie,” I say “call,” so that’s no bueno.
To me, it comes down to two finalists: butt and rump.
If you would like to share your thoughts, send me an email, just don’t be an ass about it, OK?
Slim Smith is a columnist and feature writer for The Dispatch. His email address is [email protected].
Slim Smith is a columnist and feature writer for The Dispatch. His email address is [email protected].
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