Cable and streaming services have pretty much ruined Christmas movies.
Back in the Olden Times, when there were only three stations — ABC, CBS and NBC — you had to wait until mid-December to watch a Christmas movie and, even then, you had to watch it on the network’s terms. If you wanted to watch “Miracle on 34th Street,” you had just one shot. If you weren’t in front of your TV at, say, 7 p.m. on Dec. 18 and tuned into NBC, you just had to wait until next Christmas.
There were maybe a half-dozen Christmas movies, of any real note, a list that included “It’s a Wonderful Life,” “A Christmas Carol.” White Christmas,’’ and “The Bishop’s Wife.”
Then cable came along and did two things: First, those old favorites played on multiple days, times and channels during the entire month of December.
Then, the Hallmark Channel happened.
The folks at the Hallmark Channel figured out a perfect formula for Christmas movies, one that needed only minor plot changes to give the illusion that all of their movies weren’t essentially the same movie.
The Hallmark Channel template: Young female executive from big city returns to her charming little hometown to help her family’s small, irredeemably archaic business after a big-box store threatens to put them out of business. Leaving her self-absorbed big-city boyfriend behind, she actually bumps into her handsome and wholesome high school boyfriend who she split up with because of a misunderstanding. He’s usually a veterinarian, but he could have one of those manly occupations like lumberjack, sheriff’s deputy or organic daffodil farmer.
They rekindle their romance, only to again fall out over some misunderstanding. Then, near the end, they make up. She tells her big-city boyfriend to pound sand. Then she and the veterinarian/lumberjack kiss. The family business is saved. She moves home to run the business so her dear old dad can retire. It snows the entire movie. So the heroine can wear cute winter clothes. There is an adorable dog, usually a yellow lab.
That’s it. Hallmark has made about a hundred variations of this basic story, churning out a few new ones every year.
It’s basically AI movie-making before there was AI.
Tedious as it may seem, the Hallmark Channel makes a lot of money off advertisers eager to get their messages before these movies’ main demographic — women.
Women love these movies because they are a safe and predictable escape with pleasant scenery and have a plot that is easy to follow that oozes Christmas spirit and is capped off by a romance.
And then came streaming services.
Suddenly, you were able to watch any movie at any time and as many times as you wanted.
Convenient, right?
Ah, but that convenience proved to have an unfortunate, unintended consequence: saturation.
Putting aside all those vacuous Hallmark Channel offerings, the few Christmas movies whose quality made them classics are shown at all hours of the day for the entire month of December.
When “A Christmas Carol” was only broadcast once on a specific day, time and channel, it was something to look forward to. Being able to see it only once a year kept it fresh and interesting.
Now, “A Christmas Carol” is always on. You can watch it as many times as you like. If we aren’t careful, we watch it so many times that it becomes almost insufferable.
You know you reached the saturation point when you begin rooting for Henry Potter as you watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” for the 100th time. At this point I would murder Uncle Billy if I could. And who is to say going to prison might have done George Bailey some good?
Even the more recent Christmas movies like “Christmas Vacation” or “Elf” have reached their saturation point.
I’d no sooner watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” now than “A Cowboy Christmas in Wyoming” or whatever it is that has recently rolled off the Hallmark assembly line.
Only LSD can make “A Christmas Carol” interesting now.
So, ultimately, cable and streaming ruined Christmas movies.
Bah! Humbug! I say.
Slim Smith is a columnist and feature writer for The Dispatch. His email address is [email protected].
Slim Smith is a columnist and feature writer for The Dispatch. His email address is [email protected].
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