Zayley, my 15-year-old daughter, sends me a half-dozen or so emails each day.
Some contain important information about school, grades and daily events. Others address Braves or Razorbacks news (the sports teams we cheer for), or Kelly Clarkson (her favorite singer). She never fails to send one simply asking how my day is going.
Recently, she emailed me a plea taken straight from the teenager playbook. “When can I get a phone?” She presented no practical need for one, mind you, but noted some other girls at school were giving her guff for not having one.
Now you know why she emails.
The peer-pressure argument – a nonstarter for me – aside, the “kids and phones” question is a complicated one. All our kids participate in afterschool activities and sometimes need a quick, reliable way to get in touch with us. Sometimes, I feel a bit weird about creating conditions where they must accost the nearest person with a phone so they can call for a ride. And my wife often reminds me that saying, “When I was in school, we didn’t have cell phones and we got along just fine,” is tantamount to expecting hamburger meat to still cost 88 cents a pound.
Our eldest, Julia, 17, has a phone, though she hasn’t had it for all that long, and we restrict its use. Julia’s a licensed driver, and Zayley will be too, come September. That’s when she’ll get one in all likelihood.
None of our girls are allowed to have any form of social media until after they graduate. Woe be unto them if they break that rule and we find out. But when thinking about giving them on-demand access from their pocket to the internet, texting and so many more distractions, I don’t mind being the strict, no-fun parent who makes his children wait longer than their peers.
Frankly, I know they’ll be better for it, and I need look no further than the nearest mirror to tell you why.
Tuesday, I headed to justice court to cover a trial. When I got there, the security guard at the door reminded me I had to leave my phone in the car. Of course, I obliged, and sat in the lobby about 20 minutes before the courtroom opened. I reached for my pocket at least a dozen times during that stretch. Then, when I tried to otherwise occupy my mind, my thoughts always returned to not having my phone.
The urge to fill my boredom with dopamine loomed large. The anxiety for what texts or calls I might be missing added weight to the situation. The idea that I didn’t know what people were saying to me in real time, and that I couldn’t respond, seemed like total madness.
To use a certain legendary college football coach’s famous quote, “I’m a grown man! I’m 40!” But when it comes to my cell phone, I’m little more than a functioning addict. I can work, read and complete personal tasks without too much distraction. I can usually have an in-person conversation without checking my phone. Let me be bored, though, and I’m picking it up – mindlessly scrolling Facebook, checking texts, emails, whatever – even if I just did the same thing five minutes earlier.
It’s embarrassing to think about and even more embarrassing to admit. But it’s nonetheless true, and I’m far from the only adult with that type of relationship with my phone. According to a Pew Research Center study in 2023, 81% of Americans own smartphones and 46% say they can’t live without them.
Now, imagine being 15, or 10, or I’ve even seen 6- and 7-year-olds with cell phones. How do they learn anything in school? How do teachers get anything across when they are constantly competing with what amounts to blocks of crack in their students’ pockets?
Too harsh a comparison, you think? A Common Sense Media study showed 50% of teens feel they are addicted to their mobile devices.
Amelia and I are constantly telling our three girls they need to “learn how to be bored” – that is to say, fill that time with something productive, like reading, hobbies, imagination, rather than taking the easy way out (screens). After Tuesday’s phone withdrawals, I might need to work a bit harder taking that advice.
Zack Plair is managing editor of The Dispatch. His email address is [email protected].
Zack Plair is the managing editor for The Dispatch.
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