‘You see that life will become a thing made of holes. Absences. Losses. Things that were there and are no longer. And you realize, too, that you have to grow around and between the gaps, though you can put your hand out to where things were and feel that tense, shining dullness of the space where the memories are.’

— Helen Macdonald, “H is for Hawk”

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Dwight and June Dempsey joined the club on Feb. 8. David and Pattie Little arrived on July 6, 2019. Betty Clyde Sharp has been in the club for 25 years now. (Full disclosure: the reporter joined this club on Aug. 2, 2019).

They are but a few of the untold thousands of people who have paid dues of unspeakable grief for a lifetime membership in a club no one ever wants to be a part of.

Tonight at 7 p.m., The Compassionate Friends, an international non-profit organization dedicated to hope and healing for parents who have lost a child, will conduct a worldwide candle-lighting ceremony. For the 24th year, the grief support group will unite family and friends around the globe in lighting candles for one hour to honor the memories of the sons, daughters, brothers, sisters and grandchildren who left too soon.

Both the Littles and the Dempseys plan to participate, they said.

As candles are lit tonight at 7 p.m. local time, hundreds of thousands of people commemorate and honor the memory of all children who have passed away.

Now believed to be the largest mass candle lighting on the globe, the ceremony will create a virtual 24-hour wave of light as it moves from time zone to time zone.

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‘When one person is missing the whole world seems empty.’

— Pat Schweibert, “Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss”

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It’s been 11 months since Dwight Dempsey of Starkville lost the elder of his two sons, Dylan, to an accidental death. He was only 22 years old.

There are times when the emotions are as powerful, as raw and overwhelming as they were on that life-altering February day.

“Yesterday was one of those days,” Dempsey said Friday. “My son was on my mind so bad. You cry when a leaf falls. There’s no reason. It just happens.”

It’s been almost a year and a half since Lake Little, 18, died in a plane crash in Oxford.

“I talk to her all the time,” said Pattie Little, her mom, who lives in Starkville. “I’ll be going through the house and see her picture and find myself talking to her. I’ll ask her opinion about something I’m thinking about doing, just some small thing. I know she’s not here, but I feel her presence.”

Sharp, who lives in Columbus, lost her 29-year-old son Dudley Hutchinson 25 years ago.

“It’s always with you, no matter how long it’s been,” she said. “I’ve lost two husbands and two stepsons, too. Losing a child is something you just don’t get over, but you can get through it.”

Twenty-one years ago, Dempsey also lost his 19-year-old sister to lupus.

Even as he struggled with the pain of that loss, he remembers vividly the effect it had on his parents.

“After seeing what my parents went through, I always said to myself, ‘Man, I hope I don’t have to go through that. I don’t think I can do it,'” he said. “Now, here I am.”

The question for the Littles and Dempseys and so many others: How?

“You’re going to grieve your child the rest of your life,” said David Little, who serves as Starkville Ward 3 alderman. “I figured that out pretty quick.”

Even so, David and Pattie believe they’ve made progress over the past year and a half, something they attribute to a combination of relying on their faith and the support of the community.

“I’ve felt closer to the Lord than I ever have,” David said. “I’ve engrossed myself in scriptures, seeking answers and comfort and seeking God’s grace.”

Likewise, the support from the community has been essential in their journey.

“The community has just been amazing,” Pattie said. “It may be someone just dropping by to visit a little while, a card or a message. I can’t tell you how many times things like that have happened just at the moment I needed it.”

It’s much the same with the Dempseys.

“There are two things that have helped the most,” Dempsey said. “One of them has been all the friends we have. The day they found out about Dylan, our driveway was full of people. It wasn’t just those first couple of days, either. It was constant. Both June and I have had so much support.

“The other thing has been David and Pattie,” he added. “They’ve been wonderful through this whole thing. It’s still fresh with them, and they’ve guided and helped us so much. David is so good about sending a verse or a passage that almost every time seems to deal with what I’m going through right at that moment.”

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‘I see people, as they approach me, trying to make up their minds whether they’ll ‘say something about it’ or not. I hate if they do, and if they don’t.’

— C.S. Lewis, “A Grief Observed”

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In the months since the deaths of their children, the Littles and the Dempseys have noticed that it is sometimes difficult for friends to know how to approach them.

Their advice: Don’t be reluctant to bring up the subject.

“A lot of people don’t feel comfortable,” David said. “Some are scared to mention her name or tell a story they remember about Lake. But that’s exactly what we want to hear. Make us laugh. Share a memory. Don’t be afraid.”

Dempsey said there is something almost like a paralysis when encountering people at times.

“You can see the expression on their faces,” he said. “They are wanting to say something, but they are afraid to upset you. But we want people to acknowledge it. Don’t avoid it. Sometimes, all you need to do is give a hug. That opens the door for us. We may feel like talking about it. There are times that’s what we need. Other times, it’s just that little acknowledgement and that’s all that’s needed.”

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‘Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half sorrow.’

–Swedish Proverb

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Both families say that the most special comforts come from people who have had that shared experience and that sharing their own grief is therapeutic for them as well.

The Littles are not only members of the club — they are active members.

“Really, it’s what gives me the most joy now,” Pattie Little said.

“We’ve had so many people reach out to us, so if we can help someone else going through what we’ve gone through, we want to do it,” she added. “When you’re new to it, you’re just lost. We understand that and it’s helped us, too, just to be there supporting them, sharing what we know.”

Dempsey agreed.

“When you help somebody who is going through the same thing you’re going through, it helps you both,” Dempsey said. “You don’t have to explain anything. You get it. You understand it in a way that people who have never gone through it can’t.”

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‘There was no sudden, striking, and emotional transition. Like the warming of a room or the coming of daylight. When you first notice (the changes) they have already been going on for some time.’

— C.S. Lewis, about how grief changes over time, in “A Grief Observed”

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Few can know the grief of loss much better than Sharp, who’s lost five family members.

“When something like this happens, you’re going to think, ‘How can life have meaning?”’ Sharp said. “I asked that question myself. When my son died, he was 29 years old. He had a son who was less than 2 years old, and his wife was pregnant. I had been widowed, and I knew she needed all the love and support she could get. That gave me a purpose. I knew what I had to do was to be strong for her.”

Sharp said what remains, all these years later, are the memories.

“I’m 80 now, and I can tell you that memories are what life is made of,” she said. “Losing a child, that’s the worst kind of pain. It takes time, years, but someday, what you will have are memories, wonderful memories.”

Slim Smith is a columnist and feature writer for The Dispatch. His email address is [email protected].