Columbus has a problem — ninjas.
I heard Columbus Police Chief Joseph St. John give a good account on what”s happening in Columbus as related to security and the like a couple of weeks ago. I enjoyed his presentation. The chief has a knack for delivering a serious message while at the same time keeping everyone”s attention with his winning personality.
After hearing his take on crime, I”m not going to say he made me want to leave the house unlocked, sleep with the windows open or unload my trusty Model 870; however, when it comes to security and safety, I left thinking that we Columbus folks have it pretty good.
All my insecurities returned after the ninja attack out on Gardner Boulevard.
You may remember how the Dispatch”s top notch reporters did such a great job reporting on what may be the first incident of its kind in our fair city. Seems a stealthy trio cloaked in ninja suits stole a pickup and rammed a pawn shop, making off with a healthy supply of ammunition — one more tool added to their arsenal of swords, daggers and other ninja fare.
I referenced the Internet”s Wikipedia for background on ninjas. Military historian Hanawa Hokinoichi writes in his book, “Buke Myomokusho,” that a ninja is a person who “traveled in disguise to other territories to judge the situation of the enemy, inveigle their way into the midst of the enemy to discover gaps, enter enemy castles to set them on fire, and carried out assassinations, arriving in secret.” The report further stated that “some legendary abilities include invisibility, walking on water and control over natural elements.”
Have I got your attention? Sure hope so.
To think, Columbus has no less than three ninjas living right here under our noses who are capable of plotting assassinations, castle burnings and gathering secrets. I don”t know about you, but I don”t want them chopping my head off, turning what I consider my castle into ashes — and sure as heck don”t want all my secrets told.
Call me Chicken Little, I don”t care. I”m sounding the alarm! We the citizens of Columbus need to nip this in the bud right now before we are overrun by these leotarded masked assassins. I”m of the opinion that our law enforcement officials haven”t sounded the alarm at the risk of causing panic; however, by now you know that they are up against the biggest threat we have ever faced.
It”s time for all of us to take action. Here”s a few ideas of mine you might use to sniff out these stealthy villains.
Try peering over the fence to inventory the new neighbor”s clotheslines. All that walking on water and carrying on should cause even the best conditioned ninja to perspire, not to mention getting a little dirt on their suits. I”d venture that most silk ninja suits aren”t made for the clothes dryer. If you see a pair of black leotards hanging on the line next to a black mask, call 911. A word of caution before making the call: Quickly flip though the pages of your Frederick”s of Hollywood catalog to make sure it”s not some (how should I put this?) sporting apparel used for more recreational activities.
Throw a block party for all the neighbors to get to know one another. Make it BYOB. Take special note of guests who walk in with a six pack of Saki under their arm, a Ninja Red Flag if there ever was one.
Finally, take special notice of a new shopper at Sunflower who has a “ninja tan” just around their eyes, the only part of the body exposed to sunlight when wearing full ninja attire. Cautiously approach and ask nonchalantly, “Excuse me, you wouldn”t happen to have change for a yen would you?”
Be careful out there.
Roger owns Bayou Management, Inc. and is also a semi-pro guitar player.
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